Marléne Rose Shaw

Counselling |Therapy | Marbella Costa del Sol

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How To Raise Your Self-Esteem Using Boundaries

I’ve met a lot of people over the years who’ve asked me,

"Why don’t other people treat me as well as I treat them?"

I think it’s true to say that all of us have had the experience of being disregarded at some point. I’m sure you’ll agree that it’s a very unpleasant feeling. But the majority of us are basically kind and caring people — in most cases, the person doing the disregarding probably doesn’t even register what they’ve done. They haven’t intentionally set out to disrespect us; they just go by the signals we’re giving out.

The problem is that if we’re driven to please others, we put so much energy into earning their approval that we miss the point of our own worth! We forget to pay attention to ourselves and to value ourselves.

Like Amanda, who came to see me for sessions to help with her feelings of low self-esteem and her poor problems in her relationships. Amanda ​was beginning to realise that she’d spent a great deal of her emotional energy focusing on how other people treated her. As she’d declared in our first session,

"They’re treating me like dirt!"

Amanda began to let go of the mistaken belief that always trying to keep people happy was a good idea. 

As she began making room in her life to start focusing on her own worth and her own needs, she recognised that by not making those needs clear to others, she held some responsibility for her distressing experiences.

I had to admire Amanda for her courage and growing wisdom as she acknowledged the part she’d played. It’s not easy for us to do this—it’s often so much easier to blame other people
when they treat us poorly!​

Setting clear boundaries is so important in cherishing our own worth and asking the same from others.

We already live in a world of boundaries and we manage these appropriately because we know that doing so will keep us safe and happy. Say, for example, someone wants to come into your home—you expect them to ring or knock at the door to announce their presence, so that you can decide if you wish to allow them in. You wouldn’t welcome someone into your personal space who is abusive or disrespectful to you.

This is what setting personal boundaries basically does: it reminds people, and ourselves, that we are of value.

​Yet when it comes to our relationships, we often leave the door wide open! We make the mistake of thinking that people will automatically respect our boundaries when we ourselves aren’t even sure of what those boundaries are.

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​It’s a bit like being so busy trying to fend off the people coming through the doorway that we haven’t the time to stop and consider putting an actual door in place!

Ruffling Feathers

One of the common concerns that people express to me is the worry that the people they’ve been ‘pleasing’ will become angry or reject them if they suddenly start putting their own needs first. It’s certainly true that when we first start putting ourselves first, some people may find it strange and even be a little put out. But it’s important to bear with it. For a short time, it may seem like people’s feathers are being ruffled, but these uncomfortable transitions often right themselves surprisingly quickly.

The reason the shift is rapid is because when we begin to focus on our self-worth, we create a wonderful field of ‘worthiness energy’ around us which attracts more and more worthiness into our life. The intelligent and magical power of love only ever has our best interests at heart; it will shift worlds, and people, to make us happy.

How To Set Boundaries

​There are a number of ways we can learn to set clear boundaries and get into the habit. Here are two really easy ways:

1. The Challenging Situation

Each evening, for a week, think of the most challenging situation you had that day. Write the following in your notebook, filling in the details:

Today when (the challenging situation) happened, I thought

___________ and I felt _____________.

Then write this question:

How could I have thought about and approached (the challenging situation) in ways that value my worth?

You may have an answer straight away, or you may have to ponder it for a while, but it will come to you, and when it does, be sure to write it down. Doing so will set it firmly in your mind and you’ll begin to feel stronger and more confident in yourself.​

​This post has been taken from the book: Out Of Fear Into Love: Life doesn't have to be a struggle.

Available on Amazon com, uk and es

​

2. Using ​Time Boundaries

Time boundaries are a great way to focus on your own self worth whilst still remaining kind to others
The majority of us want to be good, kind, and caring. But in our bid to do so the word ‘Yes’ may tumble out of our mouths automatically when someone asks something of us. Later, we may well regret it and feel resentful because our own needs have been put aside, yet again.

Another great way to practice saying ‘No’ with kindness is to say ‘Yes,’ but from within your own time frame. This is helpful in letting go of a sense of constant obligation to others, whilst still being the kind and caring person you want to be.

For example:

‘I’d love to help, but I’m busy right now—I do have a couple of
hours on Thursday.’

“Let me figure out a good time - so that I can give you my full attention.

​Do you need a little help for your confidence and relationships? 

I offer face-to-face counselling and therapy sessions in ​Miraflores, Riviera del Sol, Malaga, Spain

I also offer online sessions across the ​globe via Skype or Zoom​

​​Please choose one of the following options:

1. For information about fees, length of sessions etc, please click one of these links: 

FAQs For Individual clients   | FAQs For Couples

​2. To enquire about booking sessions please fill out the form below, or Call/WhatsApp on either:

+34 602 489 656
+44 7429 440968

Your Name

Your Email

Telephone

What is your location and country?

Would you like your sessions online via Skype or Zoom, or at my practice on Costa del Sol?

Tell me how I can help you?

***Please check your spam email box if you do not hear from me

Life in Progress Sessions

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​Life in Progress Sessions

Life in progress Sessions

These sessions are for you if you have already overcome a pressing issue in counselling and therapy, either with myself or another professional, and you wish to continue working on your personal development.

You have seen the great value in having sessions, and you wish to continue exploring the possibilities for your own well-being and happiness

​How often are the sessions?​​​

​You don’t necessarily require weekly sessions, but would like to connect on a regular basis, perhaps every 4 or 6 weeks. In this way you can explore and evolve along your life’s journey, and nurture your emotional well-being

​Many clients report that they find these sessions refreshing; often revealing new insights about life and inspiring new possibilities.


How to get in touch with me

I offer face-to-face counselling and therapy sessions in ​Miraflores, Riviera del Sol, Malaga, Spain

I also offer online sessions across the ​globe via Skype or Zoom​

​​Please choose one of the following options:

1. For information about fees, length of sessions etc, please click one of these links: 

FAQs For Individual clients   | FAQs For Couples

​2. To enquire about booking sessions please fill out the form below, or Call/WhatsApp on either:

+34 602 489 656
+44 7429 440968

Your Name

Your Email

Telephone

What is your location and country?

Would you like your sessions online via Skype or Zoom, or at my practice on Costa del Sol?

Tell me how I can help you?

***Please check your spam email box if you do not hear from me

How To Talk About Sensitive Issues With The People You Love

There are times when we need to say something sensitive or even challenging to someone we love. It may be something which is upsetting us, a concern about their well-being, or something that’s impacting our relationship with them. The problem is that the more important the message, and the closer we are to that person, the riskier it can feel to say what we need to say.

Humans are social beings. We’re hardwired to try and avoid separation from others because we have an innate fear of being “cast out of the tribe” – left isolated and defenceless. That’s why we often find it risky to communicate sensitive topics with people we care about – because deep down we fear losing them.

Here are some tips to help you say what you need to say to those you love, in ways that are less risky, and more likely to have a positive outcome.

Choose the Best Method of Communication

Have a think about the best method to communicate what you want to say. Text or Instant Message may seem quick and easy, but it can also be misread. There’s no tone of voice or body language in those types of messages, so the reader will put their own interpretation on it

For example, how do you read the following:

“Why don’t you come and visit?”

It could be a suggestion, as in “It would be nice to see you”

Or, it could be a complaint, as in, “You never come to see me!”

It’s always a good idea to communicate about sensitive subjects in person. However, if emotions are running high, it may be better to initially communicate via a letter/email. Be sure to explain clearly so that your meaning cannot be misinterpreted. Invite the person to have a telephone conversation with you.

Sandwich Your Feedback

Sandwiching feedback is a great way to minimise the impact of communicating sensitive messages. Basically, it works like this

  1. State something positive that you admire or respect in the person
  2. State the issue at hand, firmly.
  3. Follow up with a positive statement about how taking on board the message will help

Stay On topic

Try to be as specific, concise annd non-judgmental as possible; avoid using words and phrases such as maybe, perhaps, but, however, you always, you never, why can’t you etc.

Be Kind and Empathise

Stay away from accusations. Accusations are direct attacks on the other person – all this will do is demotivate them.

No matter how much you disagree with another person’s point of view, it is their point of view. Try to imagine what it is like to walk in their shoes, make it clear that you are willing to do so – before also putting your own thoughts across.

Rehearse

There’s a lot to be said for rehearsing a conversation before you have it. Rehearse the conversation over in your mind, or even place a cushion on a chair and imagine you are talking to the person. As you rehearse, you’ll be able to spot areas where your message needs to be made more clear. It will also highlight areas where your fears and worries are based on past issues rather than current ones so that you can separate these out in your mind.

If you are going to be speaking on the telephone, write a list of the main points you want to make. Keep that list by you so that you can refer to it if emotions are running high. This will help you remain calm and focused on the issue at hand.

Prepare Ahead Of time

Always let a person know that you want to discuss something sensitive before launching into it. You may have been thinking about this conversation for a while, but the other person may not be prepared for it at all. Suddenly launching into it will not help matters.

It’s also a good idea to arrange the best time to discuss something, a time when both of you can focus and be prepared.

Phrases such as

“ I need to talk about something that’s worrying me, is now a good time or could we set aside a time later?”

These types of openings work wonders in showing respect for the other person and being able to discuss the issue in a calm and positive manner

Practice these tips and you’ll find you feel closer than ever to the ones you love.

Why Other People Don’t Treat You As Well As You Treat Them

Do you ever ask yourself “Why don’t other people treat me as well as I treat them?”

Afterall, you’re so considerate and kind to them – it seems like a mystery that they don’t return that behaviour.

The chances are that you’re approaching these relationships from a very common limiting belief; the idea that “you need to please people”.

It’s so very common. Many of us pick up this idea in early childhood as a way of getting much-needed love and attention from those who care for us. But, as adults, it no longer works because it’s hard to maintain a sense of happiness, when that happiness is dependent on other people’s acceptance and approval. Many of us lead busy lives; with our own challenges to deal with, and our dreams to follow – so we can quite easily disregard each other without meaning to be unkind.

Do You Have The People Pleasing Belief?

One way of knowing if you have this belief (and many people do) is to look at the following checklist. How many seem familiar to you?

  • I’m unable to fully relax if others aren’t happy
  • I often feel resentful and angry about not having enough time
  • I try to make a relationship work when the other doesn’t put in the effort
  • I find it difficult to say ‘No’ to people
  • If I do manage to say ‘No’, I feel terribly guilty
  • I often feel taken for granted
  • I end up being caught in the middle of other people’s arguments

The urge to keep other people happy in order to be liked and to avoid rejection can be very strong indeed, and those people we’re trying to please may well take advantage without even realising they’re doing so. Odd as it may sound, even the nicest, most well-meaning of people can disregard a ‘pleaser’ in this way.

There’s a good reason for this—subconscious communication.

Are You Giving Out The Wrong Signals?

A lot of the time we tend to think of communication as being open, and easily recognisable:

  • You say something, I hear it
  • I say something back, you hear it

… and so it goes on.

Much of the time, though, we communicate indirectly and in subtle ways. We do this by the signals we give each other, through our behaviour and by the way we treat ourselves. People make ‘subconscious psychological contracts’ all the time about what they expect from each other. When we approach life from the belief ‘I have to please people,’ we unwittingly set up a subliminal agreement that we’ll put other’s needs before our own.

The Pleasing People Agreement Goes Something Like This:

 ‘I will put up with your stuff; you don’t need to think about my needs, but I’ll always be understanding of your needs and make sure you’re OK. Then I can be happy because you’ll like me and think I’m a good person and want to be around me.’

Are You Supporting People Or Rescuing Them?

The need to please also tends to create confusion between supporting others and rescuing them. It means life can become quite a struggle because you can end up taking on far too much responsibility for other people’s problems. To support someone means empowering them whilst holding true to your own sense of worth; it means helping another person to help themselves. To rescue, on the other hand, means rushing in and doing everything for that person, regardless of your own needs.

Amanda’s Story

Like Amanda, one of my clients who said

‘I must have “TREAT ME LIKE AN IDIOT” tattooed on my forehead’. ‘Why are people so awful to me?

I try really hard to be nice, but they still treat me like dirt!’

Everyone in Amanda’s life; her family friends and work colleagues treated her poorly no matter how hard she tried to please the,

Amanda was always eager to give her friends a helping hand; she offered to babysit, she helped them decorate, and she walked people’s dogs and looked after their cats. She told me she was always offering to help other people because she thought that they would be nice to her in return. But these friends very often took Amanda for granted.

Amanda assumed that she was unhappy because of the way other people treated her. She hadn’t ever considered that by looking for validation from other people she was forgetting to look to herself. This realisation helped her feel more empowered. She began to see that instead of seeking happiness outside of herself from other people, she could start from within. 

Taken from Out Of Fear Into Love: Life doesn’t have to be a struggle

Amanda’s story is very common. We get so caught up in chasing approval from others that we forget to stop and look at ourselves and remember just how special we are.

If you recognise yourself as a people pleaser, then you’re not alone. I’ve helped hundreds of clients learn to let this go move forward to have better relationships, more confidence and a much happier life.

Would you like some one-to-one sessions with me?

I offer face-to-face counselling and therapy sessions for individuals and couples in Mijas Costa, Malaga

I also offer online sessions across the Costa del Sol and worldwide via Skype or Zoom

 

To get in touch

Give me a call on either:

+34 602 489 656

+44 7429 440968

Or fill out the form below. I look forward to hearing from you and helping you.

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