How To Stop Rescuing The People You Love And Start Supporting Them Instead

Have you been asking yourself, 'How can I stop being a rescuer?'

Maybe you find yourself taking responsibility for other people's happiness? It could be with a partner, friend, family member, or even a colleague. It's not at all uncommon to feel driven to please others. Rescuing is something that many of us learn in childhood when there's a good reason to want to please others and earn their approval.

The problem is that we often carry this 'need to please' into adult life. As I mention in my book, How Kind People Get Tough, most of us genuinely want to be kind and considerate to others. We like to help, and there’s nothing wrong with that. However we can blur the lines between offering support to someone and outright rescuing them.

A lot of people find themselves drifting into the rescuer role. It may be with one particular person, or type of person, or it may be with everyone. Typical examples may be a family member who wants a lot of your time, an adult child who’s always asking for money, a demanding teenager, or a partner who just can’t seem to manage daily tasks without your help. Maybe you recognise one of these situations, or similar in your own life?

We all deserve to have our own time and space, and to be happy in life. If you often sacrifice your time and energy, forgetting about your own needs, it leaves no room to get the very best from your life.

Signs you might be a rescuer

You can identify if you've been rescuing by looking at the following list. Do any of these seem familiar to you?

I can’t relax if someone else is unhappy.

I catch myself feeling a bit resentful about not having enough time for me.

I’m taking all the responsibility to make a relationship work.

I find it difficult to say no.

I feel guilty if I say no or don’t help.

I often feel like I’m being taken for granted.

How to stop being a rescuer

But you can let this tendency go by asking yourself, how can I support this person to help themselves instead of doing it for them? When you make this simple mindset shift, you'll be able to reclaim your time, your energy, and have more balance in your relationships. You'll be acknowledged and valued. 

When you support someone you’re letting them know that you care and that you're right there by their side. But you’re also encouraging them to take steps to help themselves. In this way they don't feel alone in their problem, but they’re also being gently encouraged, and so they gain confidence in their own abilities.

On the other hand, to rescue someone means you’re taking responsibility for them, regardless of your own needs. It doesn't help the other person to grow and gain their own confidence. In fact it also takes a toll on your own confidence as you start to feel stressed and overwhelmed by the pressure to fix things for them.

2 simple steps to shift from rescuing to supporting:

Pause: When someone asks for help, take a breath. Ask yourself: 'Will this help them grow and become more confident that they can manage their own challenges?

Ask: Ask questions to help them figure things out. For example,'Whats the first and easiest step you could take to start solving this issue? What professional person helps people with this sort of problem?'

Do you find it hard to set boundaries and ask for what you need?

Maybe you overgive, or step in to rescue because you feel responsible?

Maybe you go along with other people’s expectations instead of voicing your own?

You’re not alone. Many people learn these people‑pleasing ways in childhood in order to earn love and validation. 

But you can let go of those old ways.