If people treat you badly do you ever ask yourself:
"Why don't other people treat me as well as I treat them?"
After all, you're so considerate and kind - it can seem like a mystery that they don't treat you in the same way?
Like Amanda, one of my clients.
Amanda was always eager to give her friends a helping hand; she offered to babysit, and she helped them decorate. She walked people’s dogs and looked after their cats. She was always offering to help other people because she thought that they would be nice to her in return.
But these friends very often took Amanda for granted.
‘I try really hard to be nice, but they still treat me like a doormat!’ said Amanda.
The problem was that Amanda was assuming that she was unhappy because of the way other people treated her. She hadn’t ever stopped to consider how she was treating herself.
All this looking for validation from other people meant she was forgetting to look to herself. She began to consider that instead of people pleasing others, she could start from within by offering herself the validation she craved.
Are You Giving Out The Wrong Signals?
A lot of the time we tend to think of communication as being open, and easily recognisable: you say something, I hear it, I say something back, you hear it… and so it goes on.
Much of the time, though, we communicate indirectly and in subtle ways. We do this by the signals we give each other, through our behaviour and by the way we treat ourselves. People make ‘Subconscious Psychological Agreements’ all the time. These are subtle signals indicating what they expect from each other.
The next time someone treats you badly
The next time someone treats you badly, ask yourself:
How have I been treating myself lately?
When I treat myself this way, what message am I conveying to this person about how I expect to be treated?’
Am I signalling to them that I am a person of worth? Or am I signalling that I don't value myself?
If you realise you haven't been treating yourself very well, consider what you could do differently that would send the message that you value yourself - a lot.
Then watch how others begin to value you more too!
And as always to my lovely community, much kind love 🙂
What's Your People-Pleaser Profile?
If you want to break the people-pleasing habit, simply wishing you could stop it won't make a difference
That's because people-pleasing isn't just one thing.
In order to overcome it you need to know your own personal People-Pleaser Profile.
That is the specific people-pleasing behaviours that you'd most benefit from working on.
- It could be that you'd benefit from learning to set better boundaries.
- It may be that you need some guidance on managing overwhelming emotions.
- Improving your communication skills could be the key.
- It may be that some guidance on practising more self-love would greatly help.
- Or even getting a clearer understanding of what assertiveness really means.
That's why I've developed this quiz for you.
Based on over 25 years helping people speak up, be more confident and have happier relationships, this quiz will help you identify the specific areas in which you can personally make changes to help you stop people-pleasing.