How To Stop Feeling The Need To Fit In
If someone were to ask you, "Do you want milk in your coffee?" you’d likely speak up with a confident “Yes please” or “No thanks”.
When we know our preferences and what matters to us, it’s easy to feel confident in expressing them to others. But when we're unsure of those preferences, we can find ourselves just going along with what others prefer.
Fitting In Is One Type Of People-Pleasing
In my book Courage to Be You, I explore five different types of people-pleasing and how to overcome them.
One of those types is ‘fitting in’ — the tendency to go along with what others think and want.
Over the years, I’ve met many clients who tell me they find themselves agreeing with other people’s opinions even though secretly they may not agree at all. They go along with other people’s choices despite the fact that they don’t really want the same things. They present a different version of themselves to match what other people prefer.
Why We Feel The Need To Fit In
We tend to fit in because we’re afraid of being disapproved of or rejected. So we agree with people and aim to be likeable. This pattern starts way back in childhood when we have experiences that lead to certain beliefs, such as:
If I go along with what they like, they’ll be nice to me and include me.
It’s better if I hide what I really feel so they won't get upset.
You Can End Up Being Taken For Granted
If you tend to be someone who often adapts yourself to fit in with others, it shows that you’re a person who’s considerate and thoughtful to other’s needs, but you tend to lose sight of your own needs and priorities in your relationships.
Maybe you've noticed that when you adapt to suit someone else, there’s an uncomfortable sense of not being true to yourself?
The problem is that when we keep prioritising other people's opinions and choices over our own, we can end up being taken for granted, burnt out and sometimes even resentful. And because you haven't made your needs clear, the same situation is likely to crop up again — in one way or another.
How to Stop Fitting In and Find Courage to Be You
It often comes up in therapy that people have spent so much of their time living through others’ expectations, that they haven’t had the time or space to get to know themselves well.
This is why one of the key ways I recommend to overcome the habit of fitting in is to get really clear on your own values. The more you know yourself, the more confidently you'll be able to communicate your preferences to others.
Next, take the people-pleasing quiz.
We all have people-pleasing habits that make it hard to speak up and set boundaries.
We may overgive, step in to rescue, or feel we have to take responsibility for others. Other times we may not speak up about our needs, and instead go along with other people's expectations.
When you get clear on which of these habits show up most for you, you can use the right approach to overcome them.
Start by taking the quiz to discover your score for each people-pleasing habit.
Plus, I’ll send you guidance on how to let go of these habits so that you can set boundaries with confidence and have relationships where you’re seen, heard and valued.
