Are You Really Ready to Stop People-Pleasing? 6 Signs

As a therapist specialising in relationships, I've found most people relate to the tendency to people-please in one form or another. They tell me, 'I wish I could be more true to myself. I wish I could set boundaries and say no.'

But while many people feel this way, they stay stuck in those people-pleasing patterns, living their life through the needs and wishes of others. It's frustrating.

Finding courage to be more true to ourselves can often be challenging, and there's a reason for this. In childhood we learn to keep others happy as a way of earning love and affection. It may be that speaking up and prioritising your own needs was met with disapproval, possibly rejection. So you formed the belief that making your own feelings and needs more clear would make you seem selfish, angry or unkind. 

Many of us carry these sorts of beliefs into adult life, often approaching our relationships in the same way we did with our parents, teachers and other caregivers because we still fear disapproval or rejection. And we may even ask ourselves, ‘Who would I become if I was different - if I stopped being the rescuer, the peacemaker, the overgiver?’

We stay ‘uncomfortable’ in our comfort zone 

It's these worries and fears that keep us stuck in people-pleasing. It stops us from setting clear boundaries and being more true to ourselves. Instead we continue on, going along with what others think, want, and approve of. We stay ‘uncomfortable’ in our comfort zone until such time as a relationship challenge begins to feel so difficult that making changes begins to feel like the easier option. 

It's when life gets challenging enough that people-pleasing stops being an option. You start seeing how much better it feels to be more true to yourself—and how impossible it is to stay stuck. That's when change becomes not just possible, but actually much easier.

So, how can you know if you're ready to make these changes? Here are six signs. Maybe you’ll recognise yourself in the following or similar experiences.

Your calendar is full of everyone else's needs and wishes 

An opportunity came up in your life recently and you thought ‘I want to do that’. Maybe it was something small and simple such as having time to read a book, or maybe it was an interesting hobby, or taking a holiday. But when it came to it you realised you couldn't find the time to do it because your calendar is crammed full of activities that involve other people's wants and needs - maybe for weeks ahead. 

You're beginning to realise that you often go along with other people, fitting in with their plans. Perhaps you tend to sacrifice your own needs to step in and rescue someone, sorting out their problems for them, or always giving up your time to listen to their woes. 

Realising that you have no space for the things you want to do has led you to stop and think, ‘My life isn't mine. I want it back!’

You don't have to keep living your life through the lens of other people's needs and wishes. You can learn how to find a good balance between being kind and caring while still creating time and space for what matters to you. You're ready to stop people-pleasing and prioritise yourself more.

Your resentment is outweighing your guilt

And maybe within this awareness of giving up your time and energy you've become aware of feeling resentful. If you're like most people there will have been times when you said yes out of guilt, only to later wish you hadn't and be fed up that you've yet again put aside your own needs. 

I often say to my clients, ‘Which will you choose - to say no and feel guilty for a while - or say yes and feel an ongoing resentment?’

It's not uncommon to feel guilty when we first start to set boundaries. It's all tied into those childhood experiences of being judged. And that inclination to feel guilt may have been further reinforced in adulthood through responsibilities like parenting or caregiving. It can all add up to automatically feeling guilty about the impact of our ‘no’ on other people. 

But as you get into a habit of setting boundaries you’ll find that niggling guilt fades. Especially when you recognise that sometimes saying no to someone is the kinder thing. I call this Conscious Kindness - looking at the bigger picture, encouraging them to be more confident in their ability to manage their own life. The fact is that when we feel resentful, much as we try to hide it, it can leak out. People will pick up on our tone of voice, mood, body language and that doesn't make for a happy relationship with them.

So if you notice you're feeling resentful, see it as a sign that you're ready to let go of people-pleasing. Your resentment is beginning to outweigh the feelings of guilt that drive you to please. It’s showing you that it's time to set boundaries and be more clear about your own needs. This is a very common and natural stage in life.

You've started noticing your body speaking to you

Have you noticed that sensation - you say yes to someone's request and your stomach churns, your shoulders feel tense, maybe even your heart pounds a little?

The human body is extremely good at giving us signals - when we stop to listen.

If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable sensations when you please others it's a sure sign that it's time to make changes. It's a sign that you're beginning to listen in and take notice. We can all be good at self-persuasion. We may tell ourselves:

I’ll just go along with them this time

I’ll give them the money 

I’ll say yes because it's easier for a quiet life, 

… and so on. But the body doesn't debate these options. Instead it tells us, ‘This doesn't feel right, I’m not being true to myself.’

And the more you tune in and listen to your body the more you’ll find that you can’t ‘un-hear’ what it's telling you.  As you listen to what your body is telling you, you’ll find it easier to stop people-pleasing and start making choices that feel right for you.

You got angry

Something happened; someone treated you with less regard than you know you deserve, and this time you got angry. Instead of feeling bad about that anger you felt a sense of having said what was really on your mind. You felt free and it felt a whole lot better than holding it all in and saying nothing as you usually do. 

Maybe you didn't feel so good about the actual way you expressed that anger and you know there's work to be done at getting better at communicating those feelings. But overall you have a sense of having said what needed to be said and that's okay. The anger felt honest. You were being true to yourself - not just nice.

Letting go of people-pleasing isn't about becoming an angry or aggressive person, it's about learning great communication skills so you can express dissatisfaction in healthy ways, be honest and clear about your needs and how you wish to be treated.

Occasional anger is normal and natural. It's often felt as a reaction to other emotions such as hurt, humiliation or frustration. Remember, it's okay to feel your feelings, and it's okay to want to be treated with regard and respect. You're ready to let go of people-pleasing, set good boundaries and have better relationships.

Someone asked you,’But how are you really?’ and it gave you a jolt.

Maybe a good friend or family member recently asked you how you were. You replied‘I'm good, I’m fine’. But because they care about you they noticed you didn't seem fine. And so they asked, ‘But how are you really?’

When someone digs a little deeper, and shares real care, it can give us a jolt. It's feedback about how we are really living life. That question: But how are you really? is like they've held up a mirror and reflected back to us so that we begin to see the reality of how we’re experiencing life - even though we may not have admitted it to ourselves.

This is often a sign that something needs to shift. Maybe you've been running around after everyone else and you're burnt out, but you're so busy you hardly have time to notice it - but that person who cares has prompted you to stop and think about it.

It's a sign that you're ready to stop people-pleasing - that it's okay to consider your own needs.

Something happened that made you reflect on time

When we lose someone precious, it often leads us to think about time. Maybe you've lost somebody and that loss has made you reflect on your own life, what you've done with it and how you’d like it to be going forward.

Time isn't infinite. You may be reflecting on how happy you are, in your lifestyle, and in your relationships, and as you reflect on the value of this life, you're thinking about how to get the very best from it - to live your best life.

Perhaps you're beginning to notice that you've been wasting your own precious time living through everyone else's needs. The need to keep people happy seems less of a concern as you realise that the quality of your life comes down to you and the choices you make.

This isn't to say that letting go of the people-pleasing habit means you won't be kind to others. But it is about not losing out on your own life.

It's time now to start making choices that reflect what matters to you so that your life feels more like your own.

If you recognise yourself in these types of experiences it's a good sign that you're ready to let go of people-pleasing. 

It's a journey for each of us - to make the shift from the people-pleasing ways that no longer serve us, so that we can be more true to ourselves and get the very best from life and relationships.

You can make a start on that journey right now by taking the people-pleasing quiz. 

Are you a rescuer, a conflict-avoider, an overgiver? Take the quiz to find out how you score for different people-pleasing behaviours - and I’ll send you guidance on how to overcome them.