Why Other People Don’t Treat You As Well As You Treat Them

Have you ever found yourself thinking, Why don’t other people treat me as well as I treat them?

You're kind, thoughtful, always offering a helping hand, but instead of appreciation, you’re left being taken for granted, and maybe even disrespected. It can feel confusing and unfair when you go out of your way for others, only to be treated badly in return.

Take Amanda, for example. She was always eager to support her friends; offering to babysit, helping with decorating, walking their dogs, and feeding their cats. She gave her time and energy generously, believing that her kindness would be reciprocated.

But more often than not, her friends took her for granted.

I try really hard to be nice, she told me, but they still treat me like a doormat.

Amanda thought she was simply being kind and helpful. But as we explored this in our sessions, she began to realise that her actions were being driven by a need to please.

Like many people, Amanda had a tendency to put other people’s needs before her own in the hope of being liked and wanted. She came to see that she’d been measuring her own worth by how much other people thought of her. 

People-pleasing is very common. We all do it to some extent because as children we pick up on the idea that being agreeable and keeping people happy is a way to earn love and feel safe. But in our adult life, people-pleasing means we end up saying yes when we don't really want to, we sacrifice our own needs, or stay quiet when something isn't right.

We teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves

When we people-please, we unintentionally signal to people that we don’t value our own time, energy, or needs. They pick up on that signal, usually subconsciously, and respond accordingly.

In other words, we teach people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. This was what Amanda was doing. Without realising it, she was teaching people that her needs didn’t matter.

The turning point came when Amanda realised that if she wanted others to value her, she first needed to treat herself with the same kindness and care she’d been giving them. She began to think about what really mattered to her, prioritise her needs, and communicate those to the people around her.

Before long, the people in her life began to follow suit and treat her with much more consideration.