How To Stop Feeling The Need To Fit In

If someone were to ask you, "Do you want milk in your coffee?" you’d likely speak up with a confident “Yes please” or “No thanks”.

When we know our preferences and what matters to us, it’s easy to feel confident in expressing them to others. But when we're unsure of those preferences, we can find ourselves just going along with what others prefer.

Fitting In Is One Type Of People-Pleasing

In my book Courage to Be You, I explore five different types of people-pleasing and how to overcome them.

One of those types is ‘fitting in’ — the tendency to go along with what others think and want.

Over the years, I’ve met many clients who tell me they find themselves agreeing with other people’s opinions even though secretly they may not agree at all. They go along with other people’s choices despite the fact that they don’t really want the same things. They present a different version of themselves to match what other people prefer.

Why We Feel The Need To Fit In

We tend to fit in because we’re afraid of being disapproved of or rejected. So we agree with people and aim to be likeable. This pattern starts way back in childhood when we have experiences that lead to certain beliefs, such as:

If I go along with what they like, they’ll be nice to me and include me.

It’s better if I hide what I really feel so they won't get upset.

You Can End Up Being Taken For Granted

If you tend to be someone who often adapts yourself to fit in with others, it shows that you’re a person who’s considerate and thoughtful to other’s needs, but you tend to lose sight of your own needs and priorities in your relationships.

Maybe you've noticed that when you adapt to suit someone else, there’s an uncomfortable sense of not being true to yourself?

The problem is that when we keep prioritising other people's opinions and choices over our own, we can end up being taken for granted, burnt out and sometimes even resentful. And because you haven't made your needs clear, the same situation is likely to crop up again — in one way or another.

How to Stop Fitting In and Find Courage to Be You

It often comes up in therapy that people have spent so much of their time living through others’ expectations, that they haven’t had the time or space to get to know themselves well.

This is why one of the key ways I recommend to overcome the habit of fitting in is to get really clear on your own values. The more you know yourself, the more confidently you'll be able to communicate your preferences to others.

We All People-Please In Different Ways

Maybe you recognise yourself as someone who often feels the need to fit in? If so, you're not alone. It’s one of five common types of people-pleasing that we all do!

Those five are:

Rescuing • Avoiding Conflict • Fitting In • Overgiving • Fixing

The good news is that it’s absolutely possible to let go of each of these tendencies.

When you discover which of these you tend to do the most, it becomes so much easier to break the people-pleasing habit, so that you can have more equally balanced relationships, where you feel seen, heard, and valued.