How To Set Boundaries When Your Adult Child Keeps Asking For Money
Does your adult son or daughter keep asking you for money? It can feel impossible to say no. Ava's story (from my book How Kind People Get Tough) might sound familiar.
Ava, 67, was having problems with her daughter, Gill.
Gill, a single mum of twins, was always struggling and short of funds. She was in the habit of asking Ava for money, and Ava was in the habit of giving it to her. But Ava retired and living on a very small pension, really couldn’t afford to keep bailing her daughter out.
There was a pattern. Whenever Gill borrowed money from Ava, she’d promise to pay it back. She would pay some of it back, but then the payments would stop. Ava just didn’t feel able to ask her for it. I was curious. I asked her why not.
Ava explained that she’d made mistakes when Gill was growing up. She didn’t feel she’d been a good enough mother, and she felt so guilty about that. Now she felt that it was her responsibility to try to make it up to Gill.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with helping out family members, and to a certain extent, no matter what their age, our kids will always be ‘our kids’. That’s just human nature. But there comes a time when we must set some limits.
How to say no to an adult child asking for money.
When we care about someone, we want to make sure they’re secure and happy: of course! The problem is that we can get muddled up between supporting someone and rescuing them. Rescuing someone means rushing in and sorting out their problems for them, regardless of our own needs. This is often when things can get out of control and we can end up feeling overwhelmed.
On the other hand, to support someone means empowering them to help themselves. It also means taking our own needs into consideration as well as theirs.
Setting a boundary from this more supporting perspective might look something like this:
'I love you and want you to be secure, but I can't give you money anymore. I'm happy to help you find a money advisor or sit down and look at your budget together.'
How Ava stopped bailing out her grown up daughter
When Gill ran out of money again she asked Ava to bail her out. But this time Ava said no.
Ava took a support rather than rescue approach by helping Gill make an appointment with a money-management advice centre, and she accompanied her to the meeting.
In time, Gill stopped asking Ava for money as she became more confident about taking responsibility for her own finances.
It took courage for Ava to be more assertive with Gill. It wasn't that Gill had meant to take advantage of her mother; she just had no confidence with money, and the mixed messages she’d been getting from her Ava had simply made it easier for her to carry on asking to be rescued.
In a relatively short time, mother and daughter became happier. Their relationship grew closer, as Ava let go of past guilt, and Gill became more confident and empowered. She became more of an adult friend to Ava, rather than remaining the needy child.
If you recognise yourself in Ava's tendency to rescue, you're certainly not alone. Many parents struggle with feeling responsible for their son or daughter's happiness. They worry about getting it right as a parent and try to fend off feelings of guilt and worry by saying yes instead of no. They fear falling out with their adult child, so they try to avoid tension and conflict.
When we don't set boundaries, though, we stay stuck in people-pleasing, and that just leads back into sacrificing our own needs, being taken for granted and feeling unappreciated, with constant walking on eggshells and tension.
The answer lies in being able to break your people pleasing behaviours.
Understanding your people-pleasing patterns
Do you tend to rescue, overgive or feel compelled to fix problems for them? Do you tend to fit in with what they think and want? Do you often try to keep the peace and avoid conflict?
We do all these people-pleasing behaviours to different degrees, and each has its own method for stopping it.
Once you know your personal people-pleasing patterns, you’ll have a clear idea of the steps you can take to stop people-pleasing, feel more confident about saying what's on your mind, and set boundaries in a way that actually works for you.
Discover which people-pleasing patterns are keeping you stuck
In the quiz you'll discover which people-pleasing patterns are keeping you stuck, and I’ll send you guidance on how to stop them - so you can say what you need with confidence and set boundaries in ways that work best for you.
Ready to take the first step towards finding courage to be you and having relationships where you're more seen, heard and valued?
