How To Stop Conflict Avoiding

When someone's inconsiderate towards me, I don’t tend to speak up. It feels easier to say nothing because I don’t want to cause a problem, but later I find myself thinking, ‘Why didn’t I say something?’

We all want to get along with other people and have stress-free relationships, and of course there are times when using a little tact and diplomacy is absolutely the right thing to do. However, there’s a difference between using appropriate discretion, and avoiding speaking up because it feels easier to keep the peace. When we do that it's called conflict avoiding.

Conflict Avoiding Is One Type Of People-Pleasing

Conflict Avoiding Means Pretending Everything’s Okay When It’s Not

When we avoid conflict we pretend that everything’s okay, when really it’s not. We may be feeling disrespected, hurt or confused by someone’s behaviour but we don’t let them know.

Instead we sidestep difficult conversations by saying what we think they want to hear. Or we may change the subject, or talk a lot, keeping topics light and ‘on the surface’ so that we don’t have to focus on the real issue at hand. Other times we may withdraw from the situation altogether by avoiding being around that person.

**Of course if you’re in an unsafe situation, the best thing is not to engage with the person, and seek help.

Most of the time though, being able to speak up and be open about what’s going on in your head and heart is the best thing for your relationships.

Why We Feel The Need To Hold Back

We often stay quiet because we’re afraid of seeming difficult or disruptive. We hold back in the hope of keeping the peace. We may worry that speaking up will feel overwhelming. And sometimes, it’s not just our own emotions we fear — it’s the emotional reactions of others too.

So we aim to not rock the boat, and smooth things over. This pattern starts way back in childhood when we have experiences that lead to certain beliefs, such as:

I don’t have permission to be myself. Best just to pretend I’m okay.

People will think I’m being pushy. They won’t want me in their life.

I don’t know how they’ll react, it’s safer to say nothing.

If I show how I really feel people won’t listen, they’ll just use it against me.

It's About Letting People Know How You Feel 

If you tend to hold back, it’s likely you’re a kind and thoughtful person who considers other people’s feelings. You’re good at being tactful and diplomatic, and while that can be a strength it can also work against you. It makes it too easy to stay quiet when it would be better to say something.

It’s up to us, then, to be clear with others. If we don’t make our thoughts and feelings known, people can overlook our needs because they simply don't know how we're feeling.

How to Speak Up and Find Courage to Be You

In therapy clients often tell me that they find it difficult to speak up about what's bothering them because they feel anxious. That's a normal reaction.

When the part of your brain called the amygdala perceives that you may be in danger, it puts you into fight, flight, or freeze mode. That shows up as physical sensations — your heart pounds, you feel breathless, your stomach churns, and you can’t get the words straight in your mind.

This is why one of the key ways I recommend to overcome the tendency to hold back your voice is to use a psychosensory technique to calm your amygdala.

One such technique I recommend in the book is Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT). It helps you get out of panic mode, feel calm, and think clearly, so you can say what you need to say.