How To Deal With An Angry Partner

Do you have a partner who gets angry? Have you tried to calm them down and handle the situation? Maybe you've tried to smooth things over - it's okay for a while, but then it happens again?

The following is one of the many stories from How Kind People Get Tough. See if you relate, and read on to find out how you too can deal with an angry partner.

(**If you think you may be in physical danger this post is not for you. Seek help from friends, family or a professional.)

Farah, 44 and Steve, 49

Farah and Steve had been married for twenty years. They were a likeable couple—people were drawn to their friendly nature and generous spirits. However, there were occasions, usually at family gatherings, when Steve would fly off the handle, often blaming Farah and other family members for some perceived disrespect. Everyone would feel embarrassed by his outburst. 

Steve wasn’t a bad person by any means. He was warm-hearted, loving, and caring; he often told Farah how much she meant to him and how he couldn’t live without her. That, coupled with the fact that Steve was only triggered in certain situations, had made it easy for Farah to ignore the problem between his flare-ups.

This is a common pattern. When there is some issue that keeps popping up from time to time, it’s so easy to forget about it in between times when the waters are calm. None of us like to be in a negative space, so we put it aside and hope it won’t happen again. 

Your Problem Wont Go Away By Smoothing Things Over

Inevitably though, it does pop up again, and we try to deal with it by reacting in the moment. This quick fix approach, however, is a misguided way to try to manage it because it doesn’t resolve the problem in the long term. 

Farah knew that Steve’s temper flare-ups stemmed from a deep-rooted insecurity. As a child, his parents had been extremely critical of him; he’d felt unloved and worthless. Now, whenever he thought he was being put down, he’d behave like a hurt and angry child. Family gatherings especially triggered him; on a subconscious level they took him right back to his childhood home environment.

Because Farah understood Steve’s insecurities, she would try to smooth things over. When he lost his temper, she would say things like ‘There’s no need to get upset. It’s OK,’ which, she confided to me, never really helped.

Farah was right. It didn’t help at all, because trying to smooth things over for the sake of peace and quiet had simply been reinforcing the message to Steve that having a temper tantrum was okay. When someone is reacting from a state of insecurity, it seems like the most logical thing to do is try to reassure and pacify them. However, temper tantrum behaviour is unacceptable—they need to know that.

If you think you may be in an abusive situation, don't follow this. Instead seek help and support from a professional, friends and family.

Here's How To Deal With An Angry Partner

Farah had had enough. She wanted to find a more effective way to respond to the situation. I suggested that a more consciously kind approach would be to focus not only on Steve’s need for understanding and compassion, but also to consider her own and others’ right for respect. 

Instead of waiting until Steve was having a tantrum and then trying to calm him in the moment, I proposed she find ways to bolster his confidence in times of calm, then be more assertive when he was behaving inappropriately. Farah found ways to boost Steve’s confidence in their day-to-day life by complimenting his achievements and showing her appreciation of him. She also came up with the following phrases to use when Steve was behaving unfavourably.

‘Your behaviour is inappropriate and disrespectful.’

‘The way that you're behaving right now is not being your best self.’

‘If you stop now, you’ll catch it before it’s too late.’ 

It wasn’t easy to make this change—Farah had gotten so much into the pattern of trying to smooth things over. However, she took the courage to be more authentic and make changes in the way she responded to Steve’s outbursts. It took a few attempts, but in time Steve became much calmer and more adult in the way he handled situations that he perceived to be challenging.