How To Stop Rescuing The People You Love And Start Supporting Them Instead

Have you been wondering, 'How can I stop being a rescuer?' 

Maybe you find yourself taking responsibility for other people's happiness? It could be with a partner, friend, family member, or even a colleague. It's not at all uncommon to feel driven to please others. Rescuing is something that many of us learn in childhood when there's a good reason to want to please others and earn their approval.

The problem is that we often carry this 'need to please' into adult life. It shows up as a tendency to rush in and rescue people because that makes us feel wanted and needed, and not guilty.

As I mention in my book, How Kind People Get Tough, most of us genuinely want to be kind and considerate to others. We like to help, and there’s nothing wrong with that. However we can blur the lines between offering support to someone and outright rescuing them.

A lot of people find themselves drifting into the rescuer role. It may be with one particular person, or type of person, or it may be with everyone. Typical examples may be a family member who wants a lot of your time, an adult child who’s always asking for money, a demanding teenager, or a partner who just can’t seem to manage daily tasks without your help. Maybe you recognise one of these situations, or similar in your own life?

We all deserve to have our own time and space, and to be happy in life. If you keep sacrificing your time and energy, neglecting your own needs, and leaving little room to have the life you want for yourself, that's not helpful.

How to stop feeling resentful about helping.

When you find yourself constantly taking responsibility for someone else's problems and stepping in to rescue them, it can start to feel as though you're being taken for granted. The more you give and sacrifice, the more a sense of inequality can build in the relationship. Over time, that can lead to resentment; a sense that your own needs are being overlooked.

Resentment can be subtle. Often, we don't even realise it's there. It sits beneath the surface and shows up in ways that don’t really help, like making barbed comments, pulling away, or swinging between distance and over-involvement.

Even if you're not saying it out loud, resentment rarely stays hidden. Human beings are wired to pick up on one another’s emotional signals, even the unspoken ones. So the other person will likely sense it too, and you both end up feeling drained, disconnected, and dissatisfied.

What helps is getting clear on the difference between rescuing and supporting. If you notice that you’ve been rescuing someone, try stepping into a more supportive role instead. You’ll likely feel calmer and more at ease, the other person will grow in confidence, and your relationship can become more balanced and fulfilling.

How to stop being a rescuer

To support someone means empowering them whilst holding true to your own sense of self-worth, that is remembering that your needs count as well as theirs. This starts with setting good boundaries. 

When you support someone you’re letting them know that you care and that you're right there by their side. But you’re also encouraging them to take steps to help themselves. In this way they don't feel alone in their problem, but they’re also being gently encouraged, and so they gain confidence in their own abilities.

On the other hand, to rescue someone means you’re taking responsibility for them, regardless of your own needs. It doesn't help the other person to grow and gain their own confidence. In fact it also takes a toll on your own confidence as you start to feel stressed and overwhelmed by the pressure to fix things for them.

Signs you might be a rescuer

You can identify if you've been rescuing by looking at the following list. Do any of these seem familiar to you?

I can’t relax if someone else is unhappy.

I catch myself feeling a bit resentful about not having enough time for me.

I’m taking all the responsibility to make a relationship work.

I find it difficult to say no.

I feel guilty if I say no or don’t help.

I often feel like I’m being taken for granted.

If you recognise yourself as being a rescuer, its very common. When you break this people-pleasing habit, you can stop sacrificing your time and energy and start having relationships where you're acknowledged and valued.