How To Deal With A Demanding Adult Child

Is your grown-up child demanding? Maybe they keep asking for money or needing your constant time and help. It can be hard to know how to deal with a demanding adult child, but the solution is always to be found in setting the right boundaries.

Is guilt stopping you from setting boundaries with your adult child?

Beth wanted to be there for her daughter, of course—but she was beginning to recognise that her urge to respond to Emma’s needs was also much to do with feelings of guilt.

Feeling guilty about 'something or other' is often part of the parent experience. Most parents do their best for their kids, but most also look back and regret some perceived mistake or misjudged action. So if this is you, you're certainly not alone!

Beth felt guilty because the kids had grown up without their father. Even though it had been his choice to leave, she still felt huge regret and responsibility about the situation. 

So when Emma called and wanted Beth to spend hours on the phone, Beth felt compelled to be there for her. ‘It’s like compensation,’ she told me. ‘I feel like I have to give my time to recompense her for the time she lost with her father.’

However, despite her feelings of guilt, Beth was growing tired of having to be there for Emma’s every whim. She was beginning to feel resentful that her newfound freedom was being taken from her.

Something needed to change.

From the way Beth spoke about Emma, it was clear there was a lot of love between them. But an unhelpful pattern had taken hold. Beth’s guilt led her to overcompensate by always being there.

Subconsciously, this sent Emma the message that she couldn’t cope without her mother, so she leaned on Beth even more — reinforcing Beth’s guilt. And so the cycle went on.

These patterns are powerful, and they tend to continue until someone recognises what’s happening and chooses to break them.

How do you set boundaries with an adult child without cutting them off?

Beth had tried to be more assertive with Emma in the past. On occasion she had messaged Emma saying she was too busy to talk, or she’d just avoided answering the phone altogether.

As we explored this, Beth realised that by ignoring Emma’s calls, she hadn’t been setting healthy boundaries at all—actually, she’d been putting up barriers. Beth realised that her options were not limited to either giving Emma all of her time, or none of it. Instead, she could establish stronger boundaries around time itself, so that she could respond to Emma in a more compassionate way, but within limits. This would help Emma develop greater confidence and self-reliance.

Beth came up with a plan to set some boundaries and let Emma know that she only had a certain amount of free time to offer. She came up with some phrases, ready to say the next time she felt that Emma was being demanding. She wrote them down so that she had them rehearsed and ready.

Here they are:

For a text message: I missed your call. I’m caught up now but I’m free at 6pm, I’ll call you back then.

For a phone call: I’m free now for twenty minutes, then I have to go out, so do you want to chat until then, or would you rather call back later?

For an email: I always enjoy having a catch up with you, you know how much I love you. I have every faith in you being able to sort out [problem], and I’m  proud of you. I’m free tomorrow morning after 10 if you want to call and give me an update.

There were a few awkward moments at first, but soon Emma adjusted to Beth’s new boundaries. Emma became a lot happier in herself; her confidence grew as she learnt to be more resilient, knowing that her mother would always be there for her - but within respectful limits.

Now when they chatted, Beth really enjoyed the conversation rather than having a niggling feeling of resentment, and their relationship became more adult-to-adult, rather than parent to child.