How To Set Boundaries Without Being Controlling

Do you want to set boundaries but you worry you may come across as being controlling?

As a therapist who specialises in self-esteem and relationships, the topic of boundaries often comes up in my sessions. We tend to think about boundaries in terms of how other people treat us - but actually boundaries work on three levels:

How you treat yourself.
How you treat others.
How you wish to be treated by others.

If you're feeling taken for granted and undervalued, setting some clear boundaries is the most effective way to make sure you get the validation and respect that you deserve. However, if you're like many of my clients, while you know it's a good idea, you may worry that you may come across as being too controlling.

I think we’ve all had that experience of trying to decide:

Should I say something here?

Am I being too intense? Too pushy?

Do I have the right to ask?

What will they think of me?

Maybe you relate?

If you're asking 'What's the difference between setting boundaries and being controlling?'

One tip I often suggest to my clients is to ask themselves: Am I coming from a place of love, or a place of fear?

When we're coming from a place of love we feel calm and more empowered. The confident adult part of us is making the decision.

So we offer the other person understanding and kindness.

We're thinking about the bigger picture of how everyone can be treated with respect.

We're acknowledging the other person's right to have their own opinion even if we don't agree with it.

We explain why we're setting the boundary and we encourage open communication about the issue at hand.

On the other hand if we’re coming from a place of fear, we feel worried and on edge. The anxious inner child is running the show.

When we’re caught up in our own anxieties, our attention naturally turns inward - that’s a normal response to stress. But it also means the bigger picture, where both people are treated with kindness and respect, can get lost. It makes it harder to acknowledge the other person’s viewpoint, or stay open to discussion. It's then that we may come across as more controlling than we mean to be.

The answer then is to ask yourself:

How can I approach this, looking at the bigger picture of love for both of us?

How can I bring kindness and respect into this conversation?

As you do so you'll feel much more confident and empowered.