How To Set Boundaries Without Being Controlling

Do you wish you could set boundaries without being controlling?

As a therapist who specialises in confidence and relationships, the topic of boundaries comes up very often in my sessions. Boundaries work on three levels. 

If you're feeling unheard, and disrespected, setting some clear boundaries is a fantastic way to make sure you get the validation and respect that you deserve. However, my clients sometimes tell me that while they want to set boundaries, they worry they may come across as being too controlling.

I think we’ve all had that experience of trying to decide:

Should I say something here?

Am I being too intense? Too pushy?

Do I have the right task? 

What will they think of me?

I've found that when there's a problem, people decide not to say anything because they don't want to rock the boat. Then nothing changes and they remain unhappy.  Maybe you relate?

the difference between setting good boundaries and being controlling.

And so clearly something needs to change. But how can we know the difference between setting good healthy boundaries and being intense and controlling? One tip I often suggest to my clients is to ask themselves this question:

Am I coming from a place of love or a place of fear?

If you’re coming from a place of love you'll feel calm and resolute. The adult you will be in charge.

You’ll offer the other person understanding and kindness. You’ll be thinking about the bigger picture of how everyone can be treated with respect. You’ll acknowledge their right to have their own opinion even if you don't agree with it. You’ll explain why you're setting the boundary and you’ll encourage open communication about it.

On the other hand if you’re coming from a place of fear, you’ll feel worried and on edge. The anxious inner child will be running the show.

You won't be thinking about the bigger picture of how everyone can be treated with kindness and respect because you’ll be very focused on your own anxieties. We all do this sometimes - it's a human survival thing. But it means that you may well forget to acknowledge the other person's right to their opinion, and you wont be open to discussion. 

The answer then is to come from a place of love. In fact from many years experience I can say for sure that it starts by simply setting an intention that you want to come from a place of love. You dont have to have all the answers, this simple intention will get into your subconsious and help get you started.

And then of course there are some practical strategies that you can put into place to set healthy boundaries and not be controlling at all.

It takes a little practise but once you get good at these strategies  -  well life will get better and better!

Want some more professional guidance and tips on setting great boundaries? 

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