How To Set Boundaries Without Being Controlling

Do you wish you could set boundaries without being controlling?

As a therapist who specialises in confidence and relationships, the topic of boundaries comes up very often in my sessions. Boundaries work on three levels. 

If you're feeling unheard, and disrespected, setting some clear boundaries is the most effective way to make sure you get the validation and respect that you deserve. However, my clients sometimes tell me that while they want to set boundaries, they worry they may come across as being too controlling.

I think we’ve all had that experience of trying to decide:

Should I say something here?

Am I being too intense? Too pushy?

Do I have the right task? 

What will they think of me?

I've found that when there's a problem, people decide not to say anything because they don't want to rock the boat. Then nothing changes and they remain unhappy.  Maybe you relate?

How To know the difference between setting good boundaries and being controlling?

And so clearly something needs to change. But how can we know the difference between setting good healthy boundaries and being intense and controlling? One tip I often suggest to my clients is to ask themselves this question:

Am I coming from a place of love or a place of fear?

If you’re coming from a place of love you'll feel calm and resolute. The adult you will be in charge.

You’ll offer the other person understanding and kindness.

You’ll be thinking about the bigger picture of how everyone can be treated with respect.

You’ll acknowledge their right to have their own opinion even if you don't agree with it.

You’ll explain why you're setting the boundary and you’ll encourage open communication about it.

On the other hand if you’re coming from a place of fear, you’ll feel worried and on edge. The anxious inner child will be running the show.

When you’re caught up in your own anxieties, your attention naturally turns inward. That’s a normal response to stress. But it also means the bigger picture, where both people are treated with kindness and respect, can get lost, making it harder to acknowledge the other person’s viewpoint or stay open to discussion. That makes you come across more as controlling than thinking about boundaries.

The answer then is to come from a place of love and consideration for both of you; looking at the bigger picture and considering how kindness and respect can be a part of setting boundaries.

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