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It’s difficult to be courageous when emotions overwhelm us. Maybe you can relate to Gareth. Perhaps there’s been a time in your life where you had some challenging situation which led to your emotions taking control? Or maybe it’s experiences from childhood that cause overwhelming emotions to reappear in your current relationships.

Perhaps a challenging situation arises with someone, and you don’t agree with their point of view, or you feel disrespected in some way. You want to say something, to speak up and assert yourself, but you just can’t!

You notice your heart is pounding, your stomach is churning—maybe your palms are sweaty. If you do manage to say something, your words come out all garbled and your voice sounds high-pitched and squeaky. 

These types of physical reactions are common to all of us. It’s to do with a part of the brain called the amygdala.

Your Amygdala is Trying to Protect You

You’ve maybe heard of the Fight or Flight Response. When we feel threatened in a situation (physically or emotionally), we either go into Fight Mode, getting angry and defensive, or we go into Flight Mode, withdrawing from the situation as soon as possible.

What’s less commonly known is Freeze Mode. When we go into Freeze Mode, we shut down. Have you ever been so stressed that you can’t remember the simplest of things? That’s Freeze Mode. It’s the same when you want to speak up and assert yourself, but your mind goes blank. It’s a perfectly natural neuro-biological event, and it’s the amygdala that’s causing it.

When we have an experience that we—often subconsciously—perceive to be threatening in some way, the amygdala goes into action to help protect us. It does this by making us feel strong emotions such as anger, fear, or confusion urging us to fight, run away, or freeze.

It’s great that this part of the brain wants to protect us, but it often acts in inappropriate ways for modern-day living. 

Many thousands of years ago, when we lived in untamed environments where dangerous animals posed a threat to our survival, it was a good idea that emotions took over because it meant that we had a better chance of staying alive. 

But today, the things that trigger our stress are completely different. It’s more about trying to manage complex relationships than sabre-toothed tigers chasing us down the high street! The problem is that the amygdala doesn’t know that this is the twenty-first century—and so it continues on, valiantly trying to protect us from this ‘danger’ by overwhelming our emotions and triggering our actions. It’s no wonder we find it so hard to be firm and speak our truth when emotions are overwhelming us. What’s needed is to get good at mastering those emotions. 

Fear, Guilt, and Resentment

In helping people learn to be more confident and speak up, I’ve seen that there are three common emotions which often cause problems for them. They are fear, guilt, and resentment.

Fear happens because we worry that in asserting ourselves, we’ll either invite conflict, or we’ll be rejected. Neither one is a good outcome. It’s fear that drives misguided kindness: we want to smooth things over and not have to worry.

Guilt can often happen when we’re considering being more assertive. It’s often about misplaced empathy: we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings; we don’t want to be the baddie in the situation, so we hold back. I believe that on some deeply psychological level, we use guilt as a way of signalling to ourselves that we must be one of the good, kind, and caring people. After all we wouldn’t feel so bad if we didn’t care! 

Resentment tends to come when we’ve already allowed a situation to happen. Maybe we’ve ignored someone’s disrespect, or not spoken up and said no. Later we are exasperated with ourselves, wishing we’d spoken up and possibly even blaming the other person for having ‘made us’ agree to something. 

It’s useful to recognise that these emotions of fear, guilt, and resentment can never go hand in hand with assertiveness. To be confident and true to ourselves, we must operate from a place of adult, consciously considered responses. Given that human beings are often naturally emotional creatures, that can make it difficult. So we need to find ways to manage these emotions, rather than allowing them to creep up and hold us hostage. 

Your Feelings are Your Feelings

Do remember though, that how you feel is always valid. If someone tells you that you shouldn’t be feeling the way you do, please don’t take that on board. Your feelings are your feelings—they are always valid for you. However, it may well be it’s the way you are reacting to the situation that is a little askew, and that’s probably what the person is really referring to.

It’s also important to remember that while none of us like to experience negative and overwhelming emotions, those emotions are there to help us. They are the signals of what is really going on. Sometimes we ignore things, but our emotions never lie—they’ll always tell us if we’re allowing others to mistreat us, or not treating ourselves very well. So it’s extremely important that we get good at listening to the messages our emotions send us. 

But it’s not just about listening to the messages, it’s also about dealing with the emotions themselves. Think of it like this. If a messenger came to you and said, ‘Look, I just want to let you know that there’s an issue here. You need to work out this problem.’

Well, that would be a good thing. However, what if that messenger wouldn’t leave your side, and they kept pestering you and shouting, ‘Sort out your problem! Sort out your problem!’ That wouldn’t be so helpful! You wouldn’t be able to focus on finding a solution with all that racket going on! So, even though your emotions are wonderful messengers to alert you when change needs to happen, and it’s important that you acknowledge them, it’s also important to check if they are overwhelming you. If they are you need to find ways to send them on their way.

It’s Little Wonder that So Many of Us Struggle 

I hope you've enjoyed this series of posts on why so many people find it hard to be assertive.  It's likely that you've resonated with much of what's been said.

It's little wonder that so many of us struggle to step into the light and be our authentic selves. Primal fears of being cast out of the tribe, individual experiences in childhood, unhelpful beliefs lodged in the subconscious, misplaced empathy and overwhelming emotions—all these make it hard for us to assert ourselves. 

However with the right understanding tools and techniques we can easily overcome these blocks and create confident and secure relationships.

These posts have been extracted from Part One Chapters 4-7 of the book How Kind People Get Tough

In this book you will learn how to:

• Gain respect without coming across as arrogant or unkind
  
• Speak your truth without fear of rejection
• Be heard and acknowledged
• Stop people-pleasing and feel confident in your own skin
• Say no with confidence, and without feeling guilty
• Know where you stand in your relationships

Packed full of case studies, tools, tips, and techniques, the book also includes your free Online Companion Course to help you put those skills into practice.

Most people have some beliefs that are unhelpful, impacting their confidence negatively. These beliefs are often called limiting beliefs.  Here are some that come up in the therapy room, particularly around the subject of being more assertive. Perhaps they’ll be familiar to you.

• If I say no, it makes me look mean.
• I’m not good enough unless other people say so.
• I mustn’t put myself first, because that’s selfish.
• I must be liked by everyone. 
• I can avoid upsets by keeping people happy. 
• If I please people, they’ll never let me down. 

I’ve met many clients who’ve easily recognised the limiting beliefs that have been affecting their confidence. However, they’re extremely frustrated, because even though they see these so clearly, they still can’t seem to change. They say things like ‘I have a terrible habit of people-pleasing. I don’t know why I can’t seem to stop it!’ or ‘I do understand that it’s OK to say no in theory, but when I open my mouth, yes comes out!’

So, what exactly are limiting beliefs? Where do they come from, and why do they have such a firm hold over us?

If You Feel It, It Must Matter

Here’s how a belief is formed. You have an experience which causes you to feel a strong emotion. Therefore, that experience matters to you. And because the experience has caused strong emotion, and thus matters, you then draw some conclusion about it. It is this conclusion that is the basis of your belief.

Experience + Emotional Response + Conclusion = BELIEF

This is true for us at all stages of life, and it’s especially striking in childhood. Have you noticed how small children can experience emotions so intensely? They can be in floods of tears one minute, and fits of giggles the next!  

Because of this emotional intensity, some experiences, such as being ignored or teased can have long-lasting effects, because a child will draw a conclusion about what that must mean about themselves. Their conclusion is the start of a limiting belief. It could be something like ‘I’m not good enough,’ or ‘I’m not worthy of being loved’.

Another reason beliefs take such a firm hold is explained by neuroscience, and again it’s much to do with childhood. Between the ages of around two and seven years old, children need to be able to take in a vast amount of information in order to help them grow and develop—there’s a lot happening between toddlerhood and primary school. Their brainwaves, vibrating at a specific frequency called theta, help them absorb this information. And while this helps them grow, it also means they tend to just accept that everything is true.

Your Modus Operandi

Children continually refine and tweak their beliefs according to the reactions they get from others. Without even being aware of it, they decide ‘If I do this, then that happens, so I need to do this to make people like me, and that way I’ll be safe, sheltered, and loved.’ 

As children, then, we all form a personal system of beliefs, and it becomes a kind of modus operandi for life; a program which runs automatically in the subconscious, like information on a hard drive, and dictates how we think, feel, and behave. 

Given that scientific research now tells us that the subconscious mind dictates around 95% of our thoughts and decisions, we can see that this doesn’t leave much room for the conscious mind to make new choices and maintain them.

This is why people can often see the changes they need to make, but then struggle to make those changes. The conscious part of their mind is saying something like ‘Hey, I’m going to be more assertive. I’m going to say no next time.’ But the subconscious mind jumps in, saying, ‘Hang on, I’ve got a belief about that—it’s dangerous. Be careful! You don’t want to be seen as unkind, and you especially don’t want to risk being rejected!’ 

What’s important, though, is that you remember that your own unhelpful beliefs are not bad beliefs—they are limiting beliefs. And why the word ‘limiting’? Because they are not suitable for your stage of life now. 

When you were a child, those beliefs made perfect sense, because they kept you happy and secure. Children’s relationships are straightforward. If, as a child, saying yes and being good meant you got love and attention in return, well of course it would make sense to say yes. If you said no, and got reprimanded for being naughty and argumentative, well of course it was a bad idea to say no. So, believing that Yes was better than No was a good belief—back then.

The problem is that because the subconscious is so powerful, we tend to continue operating from these outmoded belief systems. If we are to form more adult relationships, based on mutual respect and regard, we need to let these beliefs go. We need to find new healthier beliefs. This is perfectly possible to achieve with some awareness, and the correct tools and techniques.

Remember that a confident life is a work in progress, and self-acceptance is a big part of that journey. I have found, though, that people often get confused about that. They think that accepting themselves as they are means letting themselves off the hook. They’re so hard on themselves.

The secret is that once you accept that you have a limiting belief and that it’s OK—you are human—you’ll let go of the resistance to it. This means you give yourself calm and space to put techniques to work that can help you let that limiting belief go. Then you can replace it with a more helpful belief, such as ‘I’m good enough just as I am’.

So far, we’ve seen that an innate fear of rejection from the tribe and our learnt limiting beliefs make it difficult for many of us to be assertive. Now, let’s explore the next reason we struggle: Misplaced Empathy

Next: Chapter Six - Misplaced Empathy.

The founder of Analytical Psychology, Carl Jung, is famous for having said, ‘All therapists are wounded healers.’ By that, he meant that because they’ve had their own personal struggles and challenges, therapists are more easily able to identify with their clients. This is true. Many therapists are naturally empathic because their own challenging experiences have led them to an interest in the human condition. They’ve navigated their way to their own healing, and consequently have a desire to help others do the same.

However, therapists are taught to use their natural tendency for empathy in a very specific way. They’re trained to step into their clients’ shoes: they’re right there with them on a deeply knowing and connected level, whilst keeping the focus completely away from themselves.

And much as they care deeply, therapists are consciously kind in the way they help their clients. That is, they hold strong boundaries so that they’re able to keep themselves and their clients safe while still offering them empathy. It’s a learnt skill.

This is where a lot of people run into trouble. Not being trained therapists, they’ve never had the opportunity to learn these skills, and so the boundaries get blurred. No wonder it’s hard to be assertive when challenges arise. In their attempts to be kind and compassionate, they give out all the wrong messages, allowing others to cross the line.  

Imagine a therapist who had great empathy for their client, because they too had once had a similar problem. Now, imagine that this therapist, knowing how bad that client must be feeling, told them that they’d be available for them any time, night or day. Also, that the client didn’t need to pay them, because they know what it’s like to be short of money. We can see how absurd this is, and detrimental. The client needs to have some sense of boundaries, to feel contained and strong in themselves, rather than weak and reliant on the therapist.  

The use of appropriate boundaries, then, is clear in the therapist’s room, but it’s a very different story in everyday life. Lack of appropriate boundaries is very common, and even when people get good at setting them, they can slip back into old patterns because they worry about being unkind. So they get carried away with empathy. Then, realising that perhaps they’ve been a little too tolerant and giving, they have to rethink the situation. 

Setting and maintaining boundaries, then, is a powerful—and essential—tool for leading an assertive life. We’re going to be revisiting boundaries a lot as we go through the chapters because they are so very important. I’ll be showing you some easy ways to set them—and maintain them.

But I Don’t Want to be the Baddie!

Another reason we can misplace empathy is through fear of how we’ll be judged. Every one of us goes through difficult times in life. They may be traumas in childhood, they may be situations that arise in later years. We all have losses and struggles, hurts and rejections. So, we all know what it feels like to be in emotional pain. 

And since we are kind and caring, we naturally empathise with others because we don’t want them to feel that same distress. We certainly don’t want to feel like we’re the cause of it!

As I mentioned in chapter 1 ‘Who Are The Kind People?’ human beings have a tendency to categorise each other, assigning people roles of goodie or baddie. This often means that if we want to confront someone about their poor behaviour, we can have the mistaken notion that doing so will makes us the bad ones.

We think ‘If I get cross because you’re treating me so badly, then I am treating you badly … I don’t want to hurt your feelings … I don’t want to be seen as the bad one.’

To be more assertive though, as I’ve mentioned, sometimes we need to be kind enough to be willing to sit with our own discomfort for a while. That’s the conscious type of kindness, which ultimately gives the other person the opportunity to process the situation—and maybe even learn something that will help them in the long run.

For some people, though, misplacing empathy isn’t just an occasional thing—it’s a learnt habit which causes ongoing problems for their relationships, and continuously knocks their confidence. This habit often starts in childhood. For example, those children who have to take on too much responsibility have to grow up before their time. Consequently, they’ll go on to become adults who don’t always notice that other people have responsibility for themselves. 

It’s like a blind spot—an unhelpful and limiting set of beliefs which drives how they think and feel about having to take responsibility.

The belief system goes something along the lines of:

It’s probably my fault. 

If they do something to upset me and I let them know, then I’m at fault for causing them distress.

I don’t want to be the cause of their pain.

I’ve met many people like Mike, who have had this mistaken belief system around empathy. I was the same, until I learnt that it’s actually a much kinder act to allow people to take responsibility for themselves—it means they get to grow.

We Are Responsible To, Not For

If you find yourself stuck in a situation where you’re not sure of the boundaries around empathy, a useful way to approach it is to remember the following: we are responsible to. We are not responsible for.

As kind people, we all have a responsibility to offer each other respect, consideration, and compassion. However, we’re not responsible for another adult person. Only they can take responsibility for the choices they make, and the consequences of those choices. Getting a grasp on this difference between to and for is a powerful way to let go of the misplaced empathy habit. It will give you courage.

This brings me to the last point about why we find it so hard to be assertive, and that is when emotions hold us hostage. Let’s look at this now. Then we’ll go on to start applying practical ways for you to step into the new, more self-assured, version of you.

Excerpted from the book: How Kind People Get Tough

Can you remember a time when you felt rejected? It’s a horrible feeling, isn’t it? It can feel like an actual physical pain—as though someone has reached in and tugged out your heart.

Our first experiences of rejection happen in childhood. They can feel very intense. A lot of people can recall experiences like these:

• Feeling rejected by a parent who didn’t pay attention to them
• Being shunned by other children in the playground 
• Being teased by older siblings 
• Feeling hurt because a teacher didn’t notice them.
  

As time passes, whether or not we have clear memories of these intensely painful experiences, they do remain in the subconscious. Then in adult life, when we have another experience of being rejected, we re-experience those same powerful emotions. Psychologists will often describe this as ‘going into child’ because it’s the little child within us who is remembering and feeling these distressing experiences. 

We could say that all children are vulnerable to rejection—even those who have the safest and most secure of upbringings—purely because they are so dependent on their caregivers. As a child you were small, and the caregivers in your life, such as parents and teachers, were big. They weren’t just big in stature—they were also big in terms of power. It’s only natural that you would have craved their attention and approval because you needed them to take care of you. You needed them to give you food and shelter and to keep you safe from harm. The worst thing that could have happened would have been to be rejected by them. Deep down it was all about survival.

The Tribe

Now let’s take this concept a little further. Children need adults to take care of them, and adults need each other. We are social animals. Our ancestors survived by living in groups. Tribes. 

This is why asserting ourselves can feel so risky. Inherently, we feel driven to maintain relationships with each other in order to keep ourselves safe. We do this by:

• Trying to be liked, approved of and accepted: we want to draw people towards us.
• Avoiding conflict and hostility: we don’t want to push people away.

The reality is that when we step forward and speak our truth, someone may well be upset, at least for a while. At best the issue will be resolved, at worst it may mean the end of a relationship, but ultimately, we will survive. 

However, on a primal level, we carry this innate fear that if we assert ourselves, we’ll be rejected and will be cast out of the tribe. No food, no shelter. We will not survive. We will die!

Return now to the twenty-first century and it seems illogical that we could run our lives based on such a primal fear—but we all do. So the next time you find yourself fearing rejection if you assert yourself, take courage. After all, if you say no to a friend, does that really mean you’ll be banned by society for the rest of your life?

Even the most confident of people can find it hard to assert themselves some of the time. The trick is to recognise that this fear is a natural part of human life and stop trying to avoid it. 

This deeply innate fear of being cast out of the tribe is common to all human beings. It’s one very big reason that we struggle to step into the light and be our authentic selves. And, as life goes on, we may have experiences of rejection which only reinforce this fear—yet we do well to remember that while rejection can be a painful experience, it sorts out the wheat from the chaff. It makes space to forge stronger, more healthy and meaningful relationships.

Another reason we all struggle with assertiveness is the beliefs we learn in early childhood.