Do you struggle with the urge to please others - maybe at the cost of your own needs?
It’s a very common problem. I've been there myself, and so have many of my clients. It’s actually a habit that can be broken once we understand why we do it and how we’ve been reinforcing it.
We do it because we've learnt to please from a very young age when we wanted to gain the approval of our caregivers: such as parents and teachers. Those ideas and beliefs that we formed in childhood have a very powerful impact on our adult life; they become imprinted in the subconscious and effect how we think we should behave around people.
We all want to feel worthy and likeable so we seek validation from others in order to feel that we’re good enough.
In helping many people gain confidence and have better relationships, I’ve noticed a common theme. This is that people are seeking their need for validation the wrong way round. They’ve been putting so much time and energy into seeking love and acceptance from others, that they’ve forgotten all about giving love and acceptance to themselves.
If you're a people pleaser, getting that validation from others does of course bring you some sense of worthiness; you wouldn't do it otherwise—but this is often a short-lived ‘worthiness fix’. Very soon you’re back to feeling insecure, and seeking approval again because that good feeling doesn't last.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with seeking some approval from others; it’s human nature to do so. But if we do it too much we are simply reinforcing the habit and making ourselves feel worse in the long run.
The More You People Please, the More You'll Need to People Please!
While pleasing someone may seem like a good idea in the short term, it's not at all helpful in the long term. That's because if you keep expecting the greater part of your worthiness to come from the approval of others, it can be quite a gamble. They can’t always be in a good space to provide it for you.
People lead busy lives. It’s unrealistic, and actually unfair, to expect others to always be there with positive words and constant approval when they have their own life to focus on. They may be busy, distracted, and unable to offer the kindness and validation you crave at that moment in time. That means you'll be left feeling even more unworthy and the need to please others to feel good about yourself will be further reinforced.
To break this cycle you need to get into the good life habit of providing the greater part of love and acceptance for your own self. Then rely on others for just an occasional kindly top-up!
Once the larger percentage of our happiness comes from how we treat ourselves, and the smaller percentage is dependent on others, the need to please begins to fade away. That means we get to have much more confident, secure and happier relationships.
This may make good sense in theory, but I've found that many people find it hard to break the people pleasing habit. You need a way to remember to be kinder and validate yourself much more often.
With this in mind I created a simple worksheet template for my clients to help them. It is called the 90/10 Percent Guideline for Self-Worth.
Like all my resources it's a simple guide but very powerful when you take the time to complete it. If you would like a free copy of the worksheet, tell me where to send it by filling in the form. I’ll also send you my weekly tips and inspirations from the therapy room for more confidence and happier relationships.
Thanks for being here 🙂
Get Your Free Worksheet: The 90/10 Percent Guideline for Self-Worth
I'll also send you weekly tips and inspirations for more confidence and happier relationships