Do you struggle with the urge to please others - maybe at the cost of your own needs?
It’s a very common problem. I've been there myself, and so have many of my clients. It’s actually a habit that can be broken once we understand why we do it and how we’ve been reinforcing it.
We do it because we've learnt to please from a very young age when we wanted to gain the approval of our caregivers: such as parents and teachers. Those ideas and beliefs that we formed in childhood have a very powerful impact on our adult life; they become imprinted in the subconscious and effect how we think we should behave around people.
We all want to feel worthy and likeable so we seek validation from others in order to feel that we’re good enough.
In helping many people gain confidence and have better relationships, I’ve noticed a common theme. This is that people are seeking their need for validation the wrong way round. They’ve been putting so much time and energy into seeking love and acceptance from others, that they’ve forgotten all about giving love and acceptance to themselves.
Getting validation from others does of course bring some sense of worthiness; they wouldn't do it otherwise—but this is often a short-lived ‘worthiness fix’. Very soon they’re back to feeling insecure, and seeking approval again because they've sabotaged that good feeling by self judging, criticising and knocking their own confidence.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with seeking some approval from others; it’s human nature to do so. But if we do it too much we are simply reinforcing the habit and making ourselves feel worse in the long run.
The More You People Please the More You'll Need to People Please!
While pleasing someone may seem like a good idea in the short term, it's not at all helpful in the long term. You see if we keep expecting the greater part of our worthiness to come from the approval of others, it can be quite a gamble because they can’t always be in a good space to provide it for us.
People lead busy lives. It’s unrealistic, and actually unfair, to expect others to always be there with positive words and constant approval when they have their own life to focus on. They may be busy, distracted, and unable to offer the kindness and validation we crave at that moment in time. So if for some reason they don't provide it, we’re left feeling even more unworthy.So the need to please to gain worth is further reinforced.
To break this cycle we need to get into the good life habit of providing the greater part of love and acceptance for ourselves, and then rely on others for just an occasional kindly top-up!
Once the larger percentage of our happiness comes from how we treat ourselves, and the smaller percentage is dependent on others, the need to please begins to fade away. That means we get to have much more confident, secure and happier relationships.
However, while we may understand this in theory, it can be hard to break the people pleasing habit. We need a way to remember to be kinder and validate ourselves much more often.
With this in mind I have created a simple worksheet template for my clients to help them. It is called the 90/10 Percent Guideline for Self-Worth.
If you would like a free copy of the worksheet, tell me where to send it by filling in the form. I’ll also send you weekly tips and inspirations from the therapy room for more confidence and happier relationships
Get Your Free Worksheet: The 90/10 Percent Guideline for Self-Worth
I'll also send you weekly tips and inspirations for more confidence and happier relationships