How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty

Do you struggle to say no? A lot of the time people find it hard to say no because they feel guilty. They worry that they're not being kind or that they're rejecting the other person.

But it's perfectly possible to get better at saying no and still be kind.

Max, 54

Max, a self-employed web developer, absolutely loved his work. However, he would often end up working long hours, fixing issues on people’s websites—and all too often for a ridiculously low fee.

The problem was that whenever someone asked Max for a discount he just couldn’t bring himself to say no because he felt guilty. The more he gave his services for such little recompense, the more people would recommend him to their friends. All this pressure on his time and his finances had led to Max becoming increasingly stressed.

How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty

I wondered what lay behind Max’s struggle with saying no. When I asked him, he told me that he didn’t want to be unkind. He thought that if he insisted on people paying the full fees for his services, he might come across as mnd that made him feel guilty. He also feared that people would get annoyed and walk away, leaving him with no work at all. 

Max’s need to be kind was a misguided type of kindness. Ultimately, he wasn’t being kind to anyone, because running his business into the ground would eventually lead to him not being able to help anyone. Clearly, Max had some limiting beliefs about money and self-worth.

You Learnt not to say no in your childhood

As we explored this, Max told me that when he was nine years old, his father walked out, leaving him and his mother with no financial support. His mother was under a great deal of stress; she didn’t handle money very well, and so Max did odd jobs to help contribute. Every day he cleaned cars, walked people’s dogs, did paper rounds—anything to bring money into the household.

Whenever young Max tried to say no to his mother’s requests for him to do extra work, she’d get upset and accuse him of not caring about her. Max recalled many times when he was exhausted by all the chores, on top of school.

Up until our sessions, Max hadn’t seen the link between how life had been way back in his childhood, and how he thought about his business today. He saw now that he’d grown up with some very unhelpful ideas about how earning money and self-worth went together. 

It was a lightbulb moment. Max began to consider the possibility that he no longer had to listen to that anxious little boy within, who’d been so worried about being seen as uncaring.

It's Perfectly possible to learn to say no

Like Max, many people struggle with saying no because of the experiences they had in their early childhood. If always saying yes meant that Mummy, or the teacher, wouldn’t be cross with you—well, that was a good thing. So it became a learnt habit. 

That habit can be hard to break, but it is perfectly possible. I’ve seen many people learn to say no—it just takes a little practice. A good start is to recognise when you’re coming from your child self, and to soothe the emotions associated with that.

First, please do remember that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with popping into child—we all do it, often several times a day. It’s no big deal.

However, when you get into one of those ‘I want to say no but I keep saying yes—aaagh!‘ situations, it’s very empowering to notice that you’re coming from your worried inner child’s perspective. Then remind yourself that in the grown-up world, it’s perfectly OK for adults to say no to each other. 

And if, when you say no to someone, they have a little tantrum, that’s because they themselves have likely popped into their own child self! There’s no point in getting into an argument—just give them a bit of time to calm down and come to terms with your ‘no’ and peace will be restored. Keep practising saying no and you will find it easier and easier.