One Easy Way To Stop People-Pleasing

Do you struggle with the urge to please others? Often at the cost of your own needs?

People-pleasing is very common. I used to do it a lot myself. Many of my clients come to me with people-pleasing issues too.
But the good news is that it's a habit that can be broken once you understand why you do it, and how you’ve been reinforcing it.
Like most people you probably learnt to people-please from a very young age when you wanted to gain the approval of the people who looked after you, such as your parents, carers or teachers.
The experiences you had back then gave you ideas and beliefs about yourself and other people. Those beliefs became imprinted in your subconscious and now have a powerful effect on how you think you should behave around people.

You can stop people-Pleasing by doing things the right way Round.

In helping many people gain confidence and have better relationships, I’ve noticed a common theme. That is, people seek validation the wrong way around. They put so much time and energy into seeking love and acceptance from other people, that they forget to provide love and acceptance for themselves.

If you're a people-pleaser, getting that validation from others does of course bring you some sense of feeling good; you wouldn't do it otherwise—but this is often a short-lived ‘worthiness fix’. Very soon you’re back to feeling insecure, and seeking approval again because that good feeling doesn't last. 

The More You People Please, the More You'll Need to People Please!

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with seeking some approval from others; it’s human nature to do so. We all want to feel liked by others. But if we do it too much we're simply reinforcing the idea that we can only feel good if others like and want - making ourselves feel worse in the long run.

Plus, if you keep looking for the approval of others - well that can be quite a gamble because they won’t always be in a good space to provide it for you. People lead busy lives. It’s unrealistic, and actually unfair, to expect them to always be there with positive words and constant approval when they have their own life to focus on. They may be busy, distracted, and unable to offer the kindness and validation you crave at that moment in time. That means you'll be left feeling even more insecure, and so the need to please others will be further reinforced.

To break this cycle you need to get into the good life habit of providing the greater part of love and acceptance for your own self. Then rely on others for just an occasional kindly top-up!    

Once the larger percentage of your happiness comes from how you treat yourself and the smaller percentage comes from others, the need to please will begin to fade away. That means you get to have much more confident, secure and happier relationships.