How To Get The Trust Back After They’ve Cheated
Has your relationship been devastated by one of you having an affair?
If so, you're not alone. Infidelity is one of the most common issues that couples bring to me for couples therapy sessions.
They’re often experiencing a range of painful emotions: the betrayed partner feels shocked, hurt, sad, and angry. The person who has cheated is feeling guilty and ashamed. At this stage, many couples simply can’t see a way past all this, but at the same time, they're devastated at the thought of ending the relationship.
Are you stuck in an endless cycle of asking questions about the affair?
Having helped many couples over the years, I've seen a definite pattern that begins to unfold after an affair. The person who has cheated constantly apologises and promises that nothing like this will ever happen again.
The betrayed person, totally devastated, wants to trust that, but just can’t. They’re thinking, 'I never thought they'd do this to me – how can I know for sure it won’t happen again?'
And so, they find themselves continually asking their partner for information. What happened and when? Where did they go with this other person? What was said? What did they do together? Its because they’ve had their whole world turned upside down. Control has been taken from them, and so the questions are an attempt to get a hold on reality again.
But, no matter how many questions they ask and how many answers they get, they still need more and more details because they've lost all sense of trust.
The person who cheated, wracked with guilt, finds it painful to keep answering these questions because it brings up even more guilt and shame. At times they're open to answering to try to console their partner. At other times, they get irritated.
They’re thinking, 'I’ve learnt my lesson. I nearly lost my relationship. I know I won’t ever do this again, so why can’t they believe me?'
How can I trust them, after they've cheated?
If you're reading this and it seems familiar, you're not alone. This is a very common pattern that begins to play out between a couple when one of them has cheated.
The fact is that no amount of reassurance that they won’t do it again is going to give the betrayed person the trust they need.
The relationship has reached a stalemate. They're completely stuck and confused, and they don't know how to break the cyle.
The key to regaining trust is to clearly understand why the affair happened in the first place. There may well have been issues in the relationship that weren’t being addressed, or even fully noticed. It could be any number of reasons, and until they work out what was causing the problem, they won’t be able to regain the trust.
Moving on after an affair
In couples therapy, you have a professional who has the experience and skills to help you deeply understand the problems that led to one of you seeking solace outside the relationship. Once you understand what wasn't working in the relationship, you can work through that in your sessions. Your therapist can help you learn how to spot red flags in the future so that you can make sure those issues don't come up again. The person who had the affair will feel stronger and more self-aware. The betrayed partner will know that the reason for the affair has been resolved—thus they can trust it won't happen again.
Couples therapy sessions give you a safe space to share your real feelings and truly hear each other, so that you can begin to reconnect; to get closer again. From there, you can set goals for how you want your relationship to be going forward.
Couples often ask me to help them get back to where their relationship was before the affair. I always say, 'Let's work on getting your relationship to an even better place than that—where it has grown even stronger and deeper than before, and you've grown together as a couple.'
If you're reading this and recognising that you're in this same situation, it's time to get some help to bring the trust back into your relationship. You can book a free 30-minute consultation call with me to have a chat, and we can make a plan for you to regain the trust and move forward. Click the button to book your free consultation session.
