How To Set Boundaries When Your Adult Child Keeps Asking For Money
Does your adult son or daughter keep asking you for money? It can be hard to know where to set the boundaries. Read the following case study from my book How Kind People Get Tough. You may well relate.
Ava 67
Ava was having problems with her daughter, Gill.
Gill, a single mum of twins, was always struggling and short of funds. She was in the habit of asking Ava for money, and Ava was in the habit of giving it to her. But Ava retired and living on a very small pension, really couldn’t afford to keep bailing her daughter out.
There was a pattern. Whenever Gill borrowed money from Ava, she’d promise to pay it back. She would pay some of it back, but then the payments would stop. Ava just didn’t feel able to ask her for it. I was curious. I asked her why not.
Ava explained that she’d made mistakes when Gill was growing up. She didn’t feel she’d been a good enough mother, and she felt so guilty about that. Now she felt that it was her responsibility to try to make it up to Gill.
Of course, there’s nothing wrong with helping out family members, and to a certain extent, no matter what their age, our kids will always be ‘our kids’. That’s just human nature. But there comes a time when we must set some limits.
How to say no to an adult child asking for money.
When we care about someone, we want to make sure they’re secure and happy: of course! The problem is that we can get muddled up between supporting someone and rescuing them. If you're asking how to say no to your adult child who keeps asking for money, making the mindset shift to supporting rather than rescuing will be a big help.
To support someone means empowering them to help themselves. It also means taking our own needs into consideration as well as theirs.
On the other hand, rescuing someone means rushing in and fixing things for that person, regardless of our own needs. This is often when things can get out of control and we can end up feeling overwhelmed.
How Ava stopped bailing out her grown up daughter.
When Gill ran out of money again she asked Ava to bail her out. But this time Ava said no.
Ava took a support rather than rescue approach by helping Gill make an appointment with a money-management advice centre, and she accompanied her to the meeting.
In time, Gill stopped asking Ava for money, as she came to terms with taking more responsibility for her own finances.
I had so much admiration for Ava for taking the courage to be assertive with her daughter. Gill wasn’t a bad person; she just had no confidence with money, and the mixed messages she’d been getting from her mother had simply made it easier for her to carry on asking to be rescued.
In a relatively short time, mother and daughter became happier. Their relationship grew closer, as Ava let go of past guilt, and Gill became more confident and empowered. She became more of an adult friend to Ava, rather than remaining the needy child.
If like many peopel you relate to Ava's story I encourage you to take this support rather than rescue approach, to help you set boundaries without guilt so that you can empower your son or daughter to mange their own finances.
Next, take the people-pleasing quiz.
We all have people-pleasing habits that make it hard to speak up and set boundaries.
We may overgive, step in to rescue, or feel we have to take responsibility for others. Other times we may not speak up about our needs, and instead go along with other people's expectations.
When you get clear on which of these habits show up most for you, you can use the right approach to overcome them.
Start by taking the quiz to discover your score for each people-pleasing habit.
Plus, I’ll send you guidance on how to address each of these habits so that you can set boundaries with confidence and have relationships where you’re seen, heard and valued.
