How To Set Boundaries When Your Adult Child Keeps Asking For Money

Does your adult son or daughter keep asking you for money? It can be hard to know where to set the boundaries. Read the following case study from my book How Kind People Get Tough. You may well relate.

There was a pattern. Whenever Gill borrowed money from Ava, she’d promise to pay it back. She would pay some of it back, but then the payments would stop. Ava just didn’t feel able to ask her for it. I was curious. I asked her why not.

Ava explained that she’d made mistakes when Gill was growing up. She didn’t feel she’d been a good enough mother, and she felt so guilty about that. Now she felt that it was her responsibility to try to make it up to Gill.

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with helping out family members, and to a certain extent, no matter what their age, our kids will always be ‘our kids’. That’s just human nature. But there comes a time when we must set some limits. Ava needed to stop rescuing Gill and find ways to support her instead.

You can Learn To support your adult child Instead of rescuing them

When we care about someone, we want to make sure they’re secure and happy: of course! The problem is that we can get muddled up between supporting someone and rescuing them.

To support someone means empowering them to help themselves. It also means taking our own needs into consideration as well as theirs.

On the other hand, rescuing someone means rushing in and fixing things for that person, regardless of our own needs. This is often when things can get out of control and we can end up feeling overwhelmed.

At the end of this post you can get your free guide on 

proven phrases to use when setting money boundaries with your adult child.

By pretending that everything was okay, whilst quietly worrying, Ava wasn’t being authentic with Gill. And she wasn’t giving Gill the opportunity to grow and become a more mature adult.

Ava realised that she needed to encourage Gill to take responsibility for herself. Hard as it might be, it was time to find the courage to speak her truth.

She came up with a plan.

A week or so later, Gill asked her for more money. Ava gave it to her and told her that there would be no more after that. She assuaged her feelings of guilt by reminding Gill that if she was ever desperate, she could always stay with her—that there would always be a roof for her— but no more money would be forthcoming.

Things were fine for a few weeks until Gill ran out of money again, and again asked Ava to bail her out. But this time Ava said no.

At first, there were a few uncomfortable phone calls. In time though, Gill stopped asking Ava for money, as she came to terms with taking more responsibility for her own finances.

Ava also took action by helping Gill make an appointment with a money-management advice centre, and she accompanied her to the meeting.

I had so much admiration for Ava for taking the courage to be assertive with her daughter. Gill wasn’t a bad person; she just had no confidence with money, and the mixed messages she’d been getting from her mother had simply made it easier for her to carry on asking to be rescued.

In a relatively short time, mother and daughter became happier. Their relationship grew closer, as Ava let go of past guilt, and Gill became more of an adult friend to Ava, rather than remaining a needy child.

proven Phrases for Setting Money Boundaries with Your Adult Child

Does Ava's story resonate for you?  

It's not at all unusual to struggle to know the exact right words to convey your message. And even if you are clear on what you want to say, overwhelming emotions can rear up and get in the way.

Having some ready-made and rehearsed phrases can be invaluable in giving you clarity and courage to get your message across in just the right way. That's why I've put together these special phrases for you: Empowering Phrases for Setting Money Boundaries with Your Adult Child.

You can start using these highly effective phrases immediately to help you have calmer and easier discussions about money with your adult son or daughter.